The worst

Around 8pm tonight I got an email from our baby's breeder. I was looking on my phone and could only see the first few line before Ed's mom called and all I could say before I answered it was something's wrong with the baby. I hung up so we could finish reading it and the email was telling me that our little tortellini had passed away today. We're not sure what went wrong, just that I guess she wasn't thriving like she should be. It never entered my mind that we might not meet her and even though we hadn't the feelings aren't any less painful. I had already pictured her in our lives, growing up, holding her,bathing her, and playing with hey. Imagining four little butts in the kitchen eating treats. She made me fall in love with the tortoise shell pattern. I thought she was so darn cute I would stick my phone in anyone's face to show them a photo of her, only to hear "is that a dog?" She was definitely unique.
I dont know how, but I miss her and knowing that ill never hold her is really hard. I know that it's better that I didn't meet her only to lose her or potentially have her get the other cats sick, I know all that stuff.
Right when we found out I felt like I never wanted another animal in case something like this happened again, but then I looked at Tammy snuggled in her blanket and remembered that the other reason, besides having one more baby, was we were getting another sphynx to have a sibling for Tammy to snuggle,play with, and be close in age to. I am just so unbelievably sad that it wont be our little midget. I have her pictures all over my phone and computer and my face hurts so bad from crying I just want to go to sleep. It will get easier.